#LivingFromChoice Day 3

I can’t even begin to describe how I feel right now but I’m hoping I’ll figure it out by the time I finish writing this blog post.  It took three days for me to reach inside myself and figure out what was holding me back. After the last exercise, I broke down and cried because I realized I’m not happy where I’m at.  I have every intention to win at life but I’m still losing.  I hold myself back and the sad reality is, I can face myself in the mirror and be ok with it. It’s a trick that the subconscious mind plays on us.

The motto for this seminar is: Life is now in session. Are you present?

I merely exist and accept what “is.” I could be living life and be an active participant. I could be conscious of my decisions and actions but only if I chose to or I could go back to being who I was and keep lying to myself.

Today revolved around breaking the sound barrier into the real “me.” When asked what wealth was I instantly equated it to money. It’s something I know I need more of but wealth doesn’t have to be money. It could be your self worth and what makes you happy. The definition of wealth as money is limiting and how a poor person thinks.

When asked if you could change, we tend to nod and say “yes, absolutely” when in fact you can’t change who you are. I struggled with this one until I learned that there’s nothing about me to change. I simply need to transform and go above what it is that is limiting me.

Since day one, we have been asked to keep our word and learn the meaning of our word. We make verbal agreements with ourselves and others everyday but we tend to break them and not think twice about our actions. This broken agreement says a lot about our character. I can’t have integrity in my life if I continue to break promises to myself on a daily basis, what else am I breaking? How else am I limiting myself? What am I holding back by breaking my word? It’s definitely a bad habit but it’s also keeping me from getting what I want.

I also can’t make expectations and “hope” they’ll happen. Hope and expectations don’t exist.  If you have an expectation, you’re “expecting” things to happen, not hoping.  I can’t have an expectation and “hope.” I can have an expectation and make it happen.

The human mind is a brilliant computer. Better than my all mighty iPhone.  However due to my limited thinking – “can’t” – I automatically shut down the minute there’s an obstacle because I tell myself I can’t do it and therefore I can’t.  But if I don’t use my mind, someone else will. If I don’t make conscious decisions, I’ll get manipulated and someone else will take control of my mind. This goes back to being present.

We left this exercise and were told to go to lunch and work on our dream; a dream we would accomplish in 2 weeks.  Even before we left, I could feel the negativity kick in and this came from the workshop we were asked to develop in our minds.

In my workshop, I was hiking because I absolutely love the outdoors. I found a clearing with a waterfall and set up my desk by a nice redwood tree and went to work on my project. Even though I love the outdoors I was scared and afraid but excited. I was passionate but feeling unfamiliar.  I wanted the object I was working on but realized it was an arduous task and at times I wanted to quit and let my mind wander. At the end of the exercise when my ship set sail, my task was uncompleted and I felt unfulfilled. A part of me knew I wasn’t done and I should finish but another part of me wanted to leave it where it was and pick up something new.  At the end of this exercise we learned that the task at the workshop was about us. How could I have these thoughts about giving up on myself and leaving myself half finished? Unaccomplished. And what about me is unfinished and not happy?

My goal for the next 2 weeks is to focus on my lifelong dream of being a published author.  I have wanted to write since I was a little girl. That goal was prevalent in my life at an early age with several unfinished stories; the desire was strong but somewhere along the way it died. I need to embrace it, figure out what it is I want to write, and possibly start a draft. Possibly is a limiting word. I “will” start a draft.

Even as I’m writing this, I’m limiting myself. Our words are our intentions and even though I’m not saying them out loud at the moment as I type my subconscious is working against me due to the programs in my head; the programs I need to push aside.

We did a great exercise on the 13 colonies today. I won’t share the details because I don’t want to spoil anything on a public form but I learned a great way to teach myself, teach others and any kids I might have. If anything, I’ve learned how to be a better parent but ultimately I need to be a better me first.

Before our break, we examined our intentions, the mechanism, and the result. We had to examine how we would get to the result. What was the intention, the mechanism, and what was our result. We each had our picture and then we learned that all we needed was an intention and a result; the mechanism is irrelevant and can often be limiting.  If you have an intention, you don’t need the mechanics. If you think about the mechanics, you’ll talk yourself out of a result. These mechanical thoughts often include “I don’t have the time. I don’t have the money.” Think about it: most of our results had no rhyme or reason because if you truly want something and you have a clear intention to get it, you’ll find a way and you won’t examine the mechanism to produce the result.

In a room full of strangers that were on this journey with me together, I danced forward and went for my goal. It was empowering and librating. I saw my intention and I saw point B. I didn’t visualize the mechanism.

 In our final exercise, the one that has me grappling with myself, we were asked to play a game to win and split into two groups. The game was simple. The execution was clear as day but something inside of us all played to lose.  We pitted ourselves against each other and went to battle. We didn’t even think of it as we were doing it and in the end, we learned we were a model of what was going on in the world today. We were operating by a model to lose when the intention was to win.

We were all asked to examine our role in the game. Did we play the game like we play our life and what is it costing us and what is our vision? This is where I’m struggling. I know I played this game with a very ugly intention in my heart. The dominate personality inside me wanted to win at any cost. I didn’t know what I was doing and I didn’t care about the other team. I just wanted to win. In my life, I always have to be right. My confusion causes me to avoid the unfamiliar and if the task gets out of hand, I abandon ship. What does this say about me and my relationships? Am I sabotaging myself? This is costing me my dreams. It stands in the way of my desires, fulfilling happiness inside me, and smiling back at the woman in the mirror.

My vision remains the same from day one. I will never forget that day in kindergarten. I was on the playground, it was cloudy, and I pointed a finger up into the sky and said I was special and I would be someone. I didn’t know what that meant but I know it comes from a place of recognition. My personality type dictates that. I want everyone to know my name. I want to be a writer. I want a million views on my CNN iReports and I want my business to explode beyond belief.

We were asked to drive home in silence and reflect on our vision and how we’re living our lives to lose. I carpooled with my friend and that was the most uncomfortable drive home. Even though we were silent, I could feel the weight of our thoughts and literally smell the gears of our brains burning. I know we were both frustrated and wanted to talk but we had to use that time to reflect on ourselves and think about the ways we were leading our lives.

I’m nearing the end and I still don’t know how I feel. I don’t hate myself but I don’t like who I am either. I’m not broken as I previously thought but I do know there is a transformation process that is taking place; something within me is uncomfortable. It is struggling to break free and it’s the little girl from the kindergarten playground that had big hopes and dreams. I’ve kept her buried for a long time and I’ve told her she can’t possibly be what she’s dreaming of. I’m glad she never gave up on me.

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