It has taken a while for me to write about day 4. We’re at the end of the week and I’ve never felt better about life and the direction it’s heading. Is it perfect? No. Am I still scared? Yes. But I’m positive about the outcome despite the obstacles that I face everyday.
Day 4 explored the acts of giving, taking, and love. In this exercise, I told my best friend about a time I left home and reasons why I haven’t been back. I left home because of my Mother and even though she’s not the woman I grew up with it still hurts that one day I was able to stand up and tell her “I hate you. I wish you were dead.” I can’t imagine what she must have felt but I know that the way she was treating us was because of the way she felt towards my grandma (her mother in law). A mother in law that never saw her as a daughter and pushed her kids away from her. Growing old helps you see those programs in others. Or is it a new level of maturity?
I wish I could take back those words. We have never discussed that day and maybe it’s for the best. I put the past behind me the day she gave me her first genuine hug, kissed me on the cheek, and said “I love you.”
With love, we explored love in relationships. I thought back to the times I had ever been in a relationship and if it truly was love or just being together for the sake of having someone. In a relationship, I want support, passion, a soul mate, a team mate, a friend, someone to grow old with, someone to love my flaws, and love me for who I am. I think I still hold back at times thinking a particular quality about me won’t be accepted. I’m not perfect but none of us are.
I have created many stories due to events. The minute I can’t justify what happened, I can feel the gears in my head spinning a creative tale. I drive myself crazy and drown in a sea of endless paranoia. I have exercised relief in many areas of my life this week especially in the categories of relationships. If they never called back, didn’t bother to have open communication with me, etc; they simply don’t deserve my time and the brain space I give them. Most importantly, they don’t deserve to be with me.
Will I continue to give and take? Yes, unfortunately. As mentioned earlier, we’re not perfect. Will it make me conscience of my actions? Yes. Being aware is what matters and setting a course to fix it vs continuing as usual.
In the next exercise, I discovered a new found respect for palm readers. Without divulging too much, we were told to enter our “workshop,” picture the person that our partner was naming, and describe what we saw. It’s remarkable what you can discover if you pay attention to your gut instinct. We were both able to describe our subjects and their ailments. My subjects were my sister and my grandma. My partner was able to describe them perfectly and their strifes, most importantly he healed them with his special elixir that he is the “CEO” of. I can tell that he’s passionate about building something and creating something that’s unique to him. I hope he does. I’d like to say that I had a part in it one day.
If we can picture something sight unseen, we can picture a dream and make it come true. Our mind can build the impossible.
Our last exercise explored the last 24 hours of our life. What would we do if we knew we were going to die? I would spend them with family and loved ones. I would tell them I loved them. I would have “my last meal” at a fancy restaurant. I would go out to an awesome trail by a waterfall and feel mad, passionate sex and love – something I’m sure I’ve never felt before and then I would die happy.
Before Monday, we need to accomplish two “black” votes and take a risk. We need to give to our self and give to others. It’s Thursday and I still don’t know what my black votes are. I have worked on my goal though. At the end, while we stood in a circle while “Imagine” by John Lennon played in the background, Tim O’Kelley our facilitator asked us to “imagine” a day that everyone took this course. He had joked with me the day before to write a book about him which I shrugged off as his way to get more recognition (if you know the man, you’ll know what I’m talking about) but I think a book about Living From Choice and what they accomplish would be the perfect way to spread the word about this work and get a worldwide movement started. That is my goal – a day the world becomes aware of themselves. It’s a huge goal but like the little boy throwing starfish back into the sea, I won’t be doing it alone. If I can touch one person, they touch another – word will spread. That is the intention, the mechanism is unknown, but the results will be amazing.