Truth be told, I wasn’t looking forward to this workshop. My goal remains undefined, unfinished, and my two black votes are questionable. I have however remained discipline about writing, reading, and some light workouts. I’ve wanted to view the world in a positive light but my obstacles have prevented me.
Driving up to Lyla’s house, I was a bit hesitant. A simple thing as not finding parking set me off and I could feel my resistance building. I couldn’t even figure out what was causing it. I just felt uncomfortable about my behavior and lack of action. However, after walking the short distance from my car and seeing the smiling faces of my classmates I was instantly at ease. We are all on this journey together and it’s OK that we’re not all on task. That’s why we’re here, right?
Tonight’s workshop focused on our inner belief system – the self limiting thoughts that hold us back. Can I just say timing couldn’t have been perfect? These very same self limiting thoughts almost held me back tonight but something more powerful overcame them. My need, want, and desire to be here. My attitude that turned into an action and produced a result via me showing up.
We are comprised of 4 elements: spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional. We ranked ourselves on a scale of 1-10 based on these 4 elements. Physically, I see myself at a 5. My body is not sick but it’s not in it’s best shape. I have issues with my back and hips; I have some weight to lose. Emotionally, I’m at a 6. I have control over my emotions. I know what drives them and I let them get out of control sometimes based on my actions. Mentally, I’m at a 2. I’m not producing the results I want to see in life. My business is barely getting off the ground. I don’t have financial independence and freedom. I can’t go where I want to go. Spiritually, I’m at a 3. I don’t believe in a higher power. I attribute it all to fate – whatever fate is. I do not always live a life of contribution. The only contribution I can think of is my work with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society’s Team in Training program. The countless hours I devote are out of my need to give back.
However to be truly fulfilled, we need a balance in all 4 areas of our lives. Emotionally and physically I’m fine even though I’m battling some issues with weight but those aren’t my main concerns. My obstacles lie mentally and spiritually. Digging deeper, I’m struggling with money and relationships. Too polar opposites but two sad, scary extremes. I see obtaining money as an arduous task. Who in this economy will want to hire me? Will they trust me? Can I deliver? Wait, I know I can deliver. I know this is my calling but will they see that in me or will they think I’m too green? Even though this has been a lifelong passion, something I majored in, something I know better than anything out there but will they trust me? It’s a nagging question that eats at me. I would like to serve a client everyday. That would help me reach my financial goal. Now how do I get there? The “how” is what buries me deep into my dangerous beliefs.
My other belief is that relationships are time consuming. Sometimes, I miss the single life. I wasn’t worrying about another person, being with another person, and being a part of something. I was just worried about me. However another part of me enjoys having a companion. Someone to turn to. We are not designed to be alone in this world. It isn’t that someone completes us. That’s a horrible movie line gone wrong. It’s the idea of having someone to pull you out of the shit hole you’ll eventually climb into. A partner that isn’t afraid to get dirty and pull you out. This is what they call “for better or worse.” Because once we climb in, we don’t even realize we’re in until it’s pointed out to us and we look at the mess we’ve created. A soul mate can help you see that and you can still love them at the end of the day but that kind of relationship takes commitment and commitment is scary. It’s a ball and chain. You have to trust them enough to tell them your secrets and what’s going on in your life so that when that moment arrives, they know exactly how to save you. If there is no trust or commitment, you’ll both end up in that hole and neither of you will find your way out. This is what they call a “break up” or a “divorce.”
Wow, I think I just had a revelation there. I could literally feel a light bulb go off. My mind just found some clarity in two of the most crucial self limiting beliefs in my life right now. In my mind, I see a successful woman and she’s in a loving committed relationship. She sees the light at the end of the tunnel. My light just went on – it’s still a little dim as it navigates through these beliefs but there is awareness now. There is an opportunity for transformation. I need to break down these rocks so I can climb out of my hole and when I do, just beware. You won’t recognize what you see.